Damn, I forgot how bad walls are for punching. I mean, damn.
At the risk of deluding myself with self pity, today was stupid. Ended up telling my mom she should have put me up for adoption when she realized I wasn't the daughter she wanted because I've spent 24 years dealing with it.
All I want is for her to be proud of me and not just see my failings. I mean, I have plenty of failings, I get it, and they are easy to focus on, but... I try. I try really hard.
And so now my hand hurts. There is something wrong with me. I don't know how to calm down without feeling pain. That can't be healthy. Or normal. Or good. Well, maybe it can, but it probably isn't. It's hard to say from such a close perspective. It would be more reasonable to decide if I could be slightly more objective. Meh.

shut up. seriously.

And so everyone around me has gone insane. If I get woken up by fighting again, I'm gonna be beyond pissed off.

I dunno

I'm just trying to maintain. All I ever do now is try to maintain. It's just kinda funny at this point. No one would ever guess what is going on in my head. I seem perfectly stable, everything is under control, it's all figured out, etc etc. Nope. I'm so fragmented I'm not sure where to start. That sounds more pathetic than I meant. I just mean, it's like, I have all these things, pieces, concepts, awarenesses, all floating around in my head, and if I could just get it all together, maybe it would be better. Maybe I wouldn't have to pretend anymore. I'm so fucking self aware, but only of flaws. Never of how to fix it. All I know is what I don't like, where I don't fit, what I don't want to be, where I don't want to live. No concept of what I actually do want. No fucking idea. And if I could just figure it out, I think it could all be ok. But in the meantime, I'm just as crazy as the rest of them I guess.

I'm not sure I fully understand this blogging thing. But since I'm assuming no one will read it, I guess it's whatever I want it to be.