Tuesday, May 12, 2009
I'm just trying to maintain. All I ever do now is try to maintain. It's just kinda funny at this point. No one would ever guess what is going on in my head. I seem perfectly stable, everything is under control, it's all figured out, etc etc. Nope. I'm so fragmented I'm not sure where to start. That sounds more pathetic than I meant. I just mean, it's like, I have all these things, pieces, concepts, awarenesses, all floating around in my head, and if I could just get it all together, maybe it would be better. Maybe I wouldn't have to pretend anymore. I'm so fucking self aware, but only of flaws. Never of how to fix it. All I know is what I don't like, where I don't fit, what I don't want to be, where I don't want to live. No concept of what I actually do want. No fucking idea. And if I could just figure it out, I think it could all be ok. But in the meantime, I'm just as crazy as the rest of them I guess.